I was raped at 17

So the title is pretty straight forward.

So in the last week I’ve been revisiting a dark period in my life.

When I was “just friends” with my now girlfriend we were drinking with another one of our other friends and we were playing drink games it was one of those “tell each other your darkest secret” nights.

Anyway so Gemma went first and told us she had an abortion years earlier, Karen told us that she had Herpes (which apparently I got black out drunk and didn’t remember. Which made for a very awkward car ride when we were bringing Karen’s sister back from getting her wisdom teeth out Months after this night so we had been having sex for about 4 months and Karen’s sister lets the Herpes bomb drop. My reaction was not great but we’ve moved on from that) then I told them I was raped when I was younger and no one had mentioned it since.

This week I was going to tell her what happened but last night I decided I didn’t want to. It’s too much. So I’ll tell you guys instead.

I was 17 and living with my aunt and uncle. They were having a party one night where some of their friends and family had come over.

I wasn’t interested because my friend already had planned a party that night at her house.

I was having a great night at my friends party. Getting plastered as per the usual it was 2:15am and the party was winding down. After a night filled with drinks, karaoke and BBQ I hopped in an Uber and went home. I got home at about 2:40am. My aunt and uncle and all their friends were still up drinking and having a good time. Music was blasting. I said my hellos and went to bed.

Very quickly I had fallen asleep in my bed. No dramas.

At 3:25am I was awoken by my uncles brother laying on top of me. The music from their party was still blaring so LOUD!! I tried to move, push him off, scream 😱 I was still. Nothing was coming out. I was frozen in fear it was the most traumatising 9 minutes of my life. He got up and returned to the party.

The next morning he was asleep on the lounge. My Uncle and I were cleaning up the aftermath from the party when I had told him what had happened. He was enraged – he went into the lounge room and dragged his brother out the back where he then beat him senseless. To the point where he had to be taken to the hospital 🏥

No charges were pressed on my behalf because that was the arrangement we made I wouldn’t say anything and my uncles brother wouldn’t say who beat him up.

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Do you even love me anymore?

Fuck me.

Long story short hey.

So tonight Karen is at work and I’m at home. Here I am thinking you know everything is fine. We had a good day at the markets, then we took the puppy to the beach, came home and watched tv until she had to goto work.

So here I am in the bathtub watching my shows on my laptop #iZombie and I get a text that says “Do you even love me anymore?” To which I reply “WTF!?” and she says “I feel like you keep me around out of comfort or convenience now”

Like woah woah woah where did this even come from?

When I ask why? Or how? I’m met with a swift and stern “just coz” thats great to hear.

She’ll talk about the future with me then blurt this out of nowhere. Then won’t specify when asked. And you can’t ask multiple times because then you’re and aggressor to the situation instead of meeting somewhere in the middle.

She quit smoking two weeks ago – and has been nothing but a cunt since. Like it’s not a small amount of cunty behaviour.

It just does my head in that now I’m the bad guy all of a sudden. When did that happen?

Is it bad to plan your wedding before you’ve even been proposed to? If so, why?

So – the stereotype is that every little girl dreams of their wedding one day.

WELL every little lesbian who couldn’t legally get married probably didn’t have the same hopes or dreams.

I used to think marriage was just a piece of paper and didn’t really mean all that much. Until someone told me I couldn’t have it. Didn’t “deserve” to be equal with the rest of the populous? Right! Makes complete sense. I should just drop it all and walk away.

Or not.

Anyway so prior to Karen I never saw my future with anyone being positive. I don’t know how to explain it. I never planned on marriage or kids. But hey. Things change I guess.

Anyway we can legally get married in AUS now. So now I’m just waiting for Karen to pop the old question.

Side note: don’t you hate when middle aged women act like they’re okay with the gay but are low key so judgey? We were in a jeweller yesterday when this older lady reaches over the counter and places her hand on mine. “So who are we looking for a ring for today? Boyfriend?” No love. My raging lesbian of a girlfriend and I are looking for rings that we both like so at least she has an idea of what I would like one day when she proposes. It’s a bit hard when you want a sapphire engagement ring. Like let me shop in peace and drop casual hints to my girlfriend who doesn’t understand when I’m dropping hints. Kthanksbye

So back to the topic at hand.

I’ve been planning my version of a dream wedding for about 6 months now.

These are the problems I have faced thus far:

  • Do our dreams coexist in the same realm or will it be MY wedding and she’s just in attendance?
  • What are we going to wear? She has a mental breakdown when we go shopping for regular clothes because she doesn’t want to fall into a stereotype. Like I know I wanna wear a big poofy white dress. That’s been my dream for a while. But in saying that. The more I think about it the more I think a fitted white suit would be so hot? Who knows. I’ll probably end up in a dress. Karen has no idea what she would even think about wearing (I think she’s going to end up in a big white gown and I’ll be in my sexy powersuit) but in saying that it could be the reverse, we could both wear dresses, we could both wear suits, does it matter?
  • Money – fuck weddings can be expensive.
  • Guest list – here is the problem. I have 10 people or so that I would even consider inviting to my wedding. She’s got like 100. CRAZY RIGHT?

Here I am stressing about these topics and we haven’t even been engaged yet.

Also I want my uncle to marry us. Which in Australia means we’d get “married” at the courthouse and then have him perform the ceremony later.

Somewhere over the rainbow 🌈

So I’ve opened a business recently It’s called over the rainbow cakes. Gotta have that gay representation at some point right?

Anyway so I was invited to cater a girls event at the cinemas last night, it was SO MUCH FUN!

Karen came and helped me set up it was great. Then as it started she sat outside and watched the whole thing.

It was fun. So many middle aged women living for my cupcakes!

Very different. I hate socialising with random people but it was a great experience.

I don’t know what this blog is supposed to be but at the moment it’s whatever I think of at the time.

Are you and your partner starting to dress the same?

So over the years my style choices have been mainly feminine. Always has been probably always will be.

Not long ago I shaved off all my hair and away with the buns that I had so loved (think Princess Leia on steroids)

Anyway they (whoever they is) say you put on weight when your happy. Well if that’s not the truth I don’t know what is.

I am now at a place where we are the same size so i am in all of her clothes. We are starting to dress similar.

We went out for dinner the other night and we ended up both wearing blue jeans and a black and white striped shirt. So awkward.

Is your puppy twatblocking your sex life? Or even just your everyday life?

So recently we got a puppy.

He is a Chihuahua x Shih Tzu and he is adorable.

He is my favourite person in life. He’s such a big man for such a little puppy and gives me so much joy.

One would call me OBSESSED with him.

However, this doesn’t always play well when you have a partner who sees that now your in love with this tiny puppy who is all your dreams wrapped up in one dog.

He is so attached that he follows me around the house, howls the house down if you could possibly think about leaving the house without him and he is my little spoon every night in bed.

This is where the problem occurs. She was my little spoon. Then puppy comes along and pushes her over and is now the little spoon. So she never gets cuddles anymore. That would suck.

We were trying to fuck the other night and locked him out of the room so he ripped up the carpet of our rental (so awkward). Anyway so then we let him in, she’s on top of me and he just howls.

I speak about him like he’s the best boy in the world but he’s also a terror. Constantly chews my texters, rips up carpet, chimps on my nipple clamps and runs away with the butt plug in is mouth.

Like how do you keep a straight face when you have to coerce the puppy to give you back your butt plug? The answer is you don’t because it’s fucking hilarious

He runs this whole house. We have two cats, a rabbit, we HAD an axolotyl until one of the cats ate him (so unfortunate) and now she have the puppy who runs it all

He’s a sook who loves his mums, mostly me of course. He is the boss and he knows it.

He doesn’t ruin anything. He makes everything more worthwhile 💕

Is it okay to Jack off when your Partner is home?

Whether you call it any of the below:

  1. Paddling the pink canoe.
  2. Dialing the rotary phone. 
  3. Auditioning the finger puppets. 
  4. Womansplaining yourself.
  5. Getting lost in the deep end.
  6. Buttering your muffin. ( Circa Mean Girls)
  7. Diddling Miss Daisy.
  8. Playing the piano.

Or you’re just here for the answer, it’s a profound question.

Who really knows the answer?

Don’t think about it as though she’s choosing to DIY instead of you doing it for her :p

Think about it’s as you would yourself. Who gets you off better than yourself?

Sometimes you don’t want the pressure of sex, or you don’t have the time or whatever it is. It’s your vagina so you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.

“The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure.”

You do you, She does you, You do her, what does it matter?

Your happy, she’s happy it’s a good combo – just don’t replace intimacy with masturbation. Because you might end up holding the proverbial baby alone.

Everything has a place and a time. Don’t feel pressured to have sex if you just want to get off. Don’t feel pressured to include your other half , but don’t leave them in a sexless exile either.

Ways to be inclusive if that’s what you’re into:

Open communication – there’s no need to hide when you’re going to Jack off. Sometimes it’s good to let your partner know so they don’t walk in, or maybe so you can invite them in who knows what YOU ARE into.

Let her watch – your body your choice, don’t feel pressured to invite your partner into to see you Jack off. But maybe that’s a way for you to connect further.

Video play – maybe surprise your partner while she’s at work with a cheeky video of you. Give yourself a chance to get comfortable with her watching you. Or her watching your vagina. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

You are your own boss. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

In answer to the question at hand. I can’t tell you. To each their own. You do you and the rest will fall into place.